ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
