Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
