I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
