Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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