i think my mom watched the whole time
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
