I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
