Pants 0. Shit 1.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
