we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i want to swaddle you in tequila
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
