there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
