Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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