i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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