Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
