I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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