Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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