just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
