why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
