I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In other news, I just burned my penis
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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