if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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