the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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