Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
