Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm going to jail i love you
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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