i need an iv and a liver transplant
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
