why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
