Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
