i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
