you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i dont even know how to be here
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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