Will you blow on my dice?
You smell like stripper and shame
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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