You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
