I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
