i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
did i walk over a car last night?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
