I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize