Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
