I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
