ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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