I hope mine doesn't look like that
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
