I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
