I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
