you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His hands were made for my vagina.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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