How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize