I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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