man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
