i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
