I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
