Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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