I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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