she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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