I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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