I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
