Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
