Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize