someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
