Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just invented taco cereal.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
